I don’t give a shit!!

Posted: May 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

Hey y’all. Ricky Ray Stevens here. Just wanted to let you know that I don’t give a shit about dick! I don’t give a shit about politics, I don’t give a shit about fashion, I don’t give a shit about pop culture, and I don’t give a shit about showering!
I guess what I’m saying is is that if you spend your life giving a shit about shit, that shit’s gonna turn right around and take a shit on your face. And there’s nothing worse than shit on your face! Believe that!!
There was a time when I gave a shit. I gave my all to that goddamned thumbtack factory but they fired me anyway. I gave fifteen years of my life doing what I thought was important work! But they fired me anyway on account of I caused to many injuries. So when they escorted me out that building, I had a new philosophy. NOT GIVIN’ A SHIT ABOUT SHIT!!
I know what your thinking. “Man, Ricky Ray! You sure are angry!”
I ain’t angry. I’m drunk!


Fuck handicapped people!!!

Posted: May 15, 2011 in Uncategorized

I swear to the man on the mountain on the cross. That’s right Alien Jesus. I swear to him. I fuckin am so sick of handicapped people fuckin up ma shit. You ever been on the bus and yer late for an abortion consultation and all of the sudden you roll up on a bus stop with a fuckin wheel chair guy.  In Boiselbe, Indiana, where I’m from, you got to make reservations for an abortion consultation like months in advance. That place is the hottest shit in town!! You can just not have a baby, if you want. It makes condoms pointless. So, I’m on the bus late for a baby scrapin, and we roll up on some cocksucker in a wheelchair lookin all high and mighty about himself, like he sittin in a fuckin throne. Oh, look at how cool I am, I got multiplesclarosis or some shit. I just couldn’t fuckin handle it. I had to dive-punch his ass and then beat him with his own keyboard. Then I looked right in his eyes and said, “Why don’t you just stay home next time, tardballs!” All this pussy could say back was some garbled nonsense, cause I ripped his keyboard off and I guess that’s how this elitist prick likes to talk, all like a robot or something. You ain’t no full on robot. More like a cyborg or somethin. Like his mom was raped by a Little Rascal. You ain’t that lucky bitch. Good news though. there was a later slot open for a uterus flushin, so I guess there is an Alien God.

-Baller Stevens

Mustang Hates Pussies

Posted: April 6, 2011 in Uncategorized

Do ya’ll remember being little fuckers? Things were different when we were kids, weren’t they? Back then, we didn’t have all of these medications kids are on today – and that made musical chairs a lot more in your face! I remember Baller saying, “-where’s a chair, where’s a chair, I WILL FUCKING cut you!”

Truth is, livin’ is too easy for city folk now. When the Stevens boys came up here, we were surrounded by a whole bunch of pussies. And I can say that cuz I’m gay. Back home, mom told us if we didn’t want to dehydrate we better drink the fuckin beer she fermented in the tub. You go to the city grocery store here and you have so many options staring at you that you stand there with your jaw dropped looking at 1,000 types of yogurt.
“Hmm, do I want greek yogurt, regular yogurt or the kind of yogurt that makes my poop hard? Do I want blueberry, raspberry, plain? Plain with little blueberries on top or plain with large blueberries on the bottom? Ohhh i think i will have my yogurt in a tube!!! Wait, greek with blueberries in a tube or….”
I swear to the Baby God, as soon as my little prick of an adopted African son or daughter gives me an attitude problem about their Eggos, I am waking them up at the crack of fucking dawn and I am going to give them a bow and arrow or a rock, because I am nice, and I am going to tell them that if they want to eat breakfast they better come back with something to that they caught and murdered. When this happens, their shitty little preferences will disappear, I promise you. No more, “I don’t like when my syrup touches my sausage because it makes it gross.” Here’s a fucking bird your brother caught at 5am – pluck the feathers off this fucker and throw it in the pot.

But, what parent is ready to instill the skills of our ancestry? Ya’ll? Not likely. Ya’ll get off work after sitting on a computer all day long to go home and sit on a fucking computer all night long. And when ya stand up and your bodies look like you are trying to blow yourselves you ask “why?”

So, you go to the doctor and say, “My back hurts and I have low energy and I don’t feel like I have any real friends”. And ya say all of this to the doctor and they look up from their computer sucking on their yogurt with blueberries tube and say, “Well Chuck, that’s because you are depressed”. And lucky enough for you, ya get a fun new little blue bill out of the deal and it makes your tweetin more fun and your walks to and from the bathroom more exciting and the doctor gets to have a golf outing with the makers of that little blue pill and they laugh and tickle each other while ya’ll are at home feeling like your eyeballs are being massaged by a cloud of happy.

Man, I can’t wait til you limp-dicks come check out our show so we can smack the puss right out of your balls. It will be an exorgasm to be remembered, Fuckers.

– Mustang Stevens

The Stevens Family show is a hilarious mixture of short-form improv, sketch comedy and of course…rock. Every week along with a special guest, they’ll transform the ComedySportz stage into the biggest party you’ve ever seen. The Stevens Family is improv’s favorite hillbilly family and their motto is “we only care about two things, kickn’ butt and takin’ suggestions.”

The Stevens Family are:

Kevin Pomeroy as Ricky Ray Stevens
Abram Rabinowitz as Cocaine Stevens
Matt Castellvi as D.R. Stevens
Ryan Williams as Baller Stevens
Alex Mack as BowFlex Stevens
Nick Hausman as Ranaldo Piven

Kick'n Ass and Taking Suggestions

Hello world!

Posted: July 2, 2010 in Uncategorized

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