Mustang Hates Pussies

Posted: April 6, 2011 in Uncategorized

Do ya’ll remember being little fuckers? Things were different when we were kids, weren’t they? Back then, we didn’t have all of these medications kids are on today – and that made musical chairs a lot more in your face! I remember Baller saying, “-where’s a chair, where’s a chair, I WILL FUCKING cut you!”

Truth is, livin’ is too easy for city folk now. When the Stevens boys came up here, we were surrounded by a whole bunch of pussies. And I can say that cuz I’m gay. Back home, mom told us if we didn’t want to dehydrate we better drink the fuckin beer she fermented in the tub. You go to the city grocery store here and you have so many options staring at you that you stand there with your jaw dropped looking at 1,000 types of yogurt.
“Hmm, do I want greek yogurt, regular yogurt or the kind of yogurt that makes my poop hard? Do I want blueberry, raspberry, plain? Plain with little blueberries on top or plain with large blueberries on the bottom? Ohhh i think i will have my yogurt in a tube!!! Wait, greek with blueberries in a tube or….”
I swear to the Baby God, as soon as my little prick of an adopted African son or daughter gives me an attitude problem about their Eggos, I am waking them up at the crack of fucking dawn and I am going to give them a bow and arrow or a rock, because I am nice, and I am going to tell them that if they want to eat breakfast they better come back with something to that they caught and murdered. When this happens, their shitty little preferences will disappear, I promise you. No more, “I don’t like when my syrup touches my sausage because it makes it gross.” Here’s a fucking bird your brother caught at 5am – pluck the feathers off this fucker and throw it in the pot.

But, what parent is ready to instill the skills of our ancestry? Ya’ll? Not likely. Ya’ll get off work after sitting on a computer all day long to go home and sit on a fucking computer all night long. And when ya stand up and your bodies look like you are trying to blow yourselves you ask “why?”

So, you go to the doctor and say, “My back hurts and I have low energy and I don’t feel like I have any real friends”. And ya say all of this to the doctor and they look up from their computer sucking on their yogurt with blueberries tube and say, “Well Chuck, that’s because you are depressed”. And lucky enough for you, ya get a fun new little blue bill out of the deal and it makes your tweetin more fun and your walks to and from the bathroom more exciting and the doctor gets to have a golf outing with the makers of that little blue pill and they laugh and tickle each other while ya’ll are at home feeling like your eyeballs are being massaged by a cloud of happy.

Man, I can’t wait til you limp-dicks come check out our show so we can smack the puss right out of your balls. It will be an exorgasm to be remembered, Fuckers.

– Mustang Stevens


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